Sitting Shiva

We grew up in Toronto, the neighbourhood was an even mixture of Italians, Portuguese, Greek and Jewish families. In those days it never really mattered, Mr Zucker sold good eggs and that's who we got our eggs from. We didn't observe Shabbat on Friday nights but we knew our friends did and I am sure if we had asked they would have invited us. In fact, one of my first summer jobs was at a Jewish camp where every Friday night the whole camp dressed in white and while we walked into the dining hall we would recite the Shabbat prayer (I still remember it). That summer I immersed myself in the Jewish culture, it was a rather wealthy camp where parents arrived by helicopter on visiting days.  The camp also had its own pastry chef who would put out a spread EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the staff. Cheesecakes, bagels, pastries, bread, it was incredible. For the end of camp musical a New York City Director was flown in to direct the kids in the play.

So of course, I learned about Shiva - here's a definition I found online "Shiva is derived from the word sheva, which means seven, signifying the seven days of mourning. It is a time referred to as – “sitting shiva” and its primary purpose is to provide a time for spiritual and emotional healing, where mourners join together. A person sits shiva for a parent, spouse, sibling or child."

So after my mom passed away (a mere 6 days ago) I looked at my sister and said "we have to sit shiva for 7 days". Unfortunately, every day this week has been filled with appointments or people dropping by, there has been no time to sit. Guests are coming and going, laundry has to be done, tears to be cried - we failed miserably. Until today. Today we couldn't go another step further, the lack of sleep, trauma, exhaustion have taken their toll and today we sat. We did nothing - no cleaning, no paperwork, we just ate leftovers from the refrigerator.

The one thing I am grateful for today is that my sister insisted that we keep up with our walks everyday, some days she is holding my hand leading me down the street while I cry so many tears I can't see the street in front of me. Sometimes we hold hands while one cries and the other soothes saying "it's ok, I am here".

We are trying to start new routines, keeping the Airbnb going was smart for us, it kept us getting out of bed everyday, tomorrow is market day - I've been going alone and tomorrow will be my first day at the market without my momma at home phoning to check in on how I am doing. It will be Michelle's first day at home without my mom, we have two guests and the way our house is set up - someone always stays home. If anyone is a contractor and has ideas on how to divide the house up better - call me.

Sunday will be our last day to sit Shiva, we have found a grief group to visit and hopefully we will start sleeping through the night. There is no magic formula to follow here, you have to walk through every single minute, every single day. True, we have our faith and I honestly don't know how people go through this without the Lord, I honestly don't.

Thank you for reading this, it is really helping me. At the funeral home the director was saying what a privilege it was to grieve, in the car later my sister looked at me and said "I wouldn't wish grief on my worse enemy, what is she talking about"? So I don't know how this grief journey will occur, I wish there was a roadmap to follow - I wish it was like Ikea instructions when you're assembling a dresser - but nope, its one foot in front of the other, go slow and if at all possible, go with a friend. And I've started saying 'love you' again, my neighbour who is a burly plumber, after visiting with him I called out 'love you' and he smiled. Take my hand friend, lets walk through this together - whatever or wherever you are in life, you're not alone, its ok, I am here.

Photo by Alin Gavriliuc, has nothing to do with the post, it was just pretty.