Surprised by Grief

Poured vinegar on my rice crispies the other day, ate the whole bowl, it added a lovely brightness (NOT). That should give you an indication on how life is proceeding. On the plus side, lawn gets mowed every week, we haven't missed a garbage collection and the guests continue to be cared for. Tears still flow freely and I know that will continue for a while. I've gotten very comfortable saying to strangers I am interacting with, "please don't be alarmed if I start crying suddenly, I am ok, simply grieving" - working well so far. The other big big news is an unexpected visitor. A friend gifted my mum the most beautiful, gigantic fuchsia plant in the spring, we got so much joy out of watching the flowers burst forth every morning. I hung it outside the kitchen window and it got a lot of attention, dutifully watering it, protecting it from harsh winds - it was well loved. The day after my mum passed onto glory, a little bird started appearing in the kitchen window, w...

A couple months ago our church was asking for volunteers to pray for people after service. I signed up and was assigned two Sundays in June. It's simple, after service, I stand with another volunteer and we wait to see if anyone needs prayer, then we simply pray for them. There are always two sets of two people ready to pray. My first time was June 2nd, it was communion Sunday and I had brought communion home for my mum and Michelle. Mum was tired that day so Michelle stayed home with her while I went, prayed for people and then came home. After giving mum communion, she was with Jesus within the half hour. I didn't want to go to church today but my mum taught me that when you say you'll be somewhere or you'll do something, you ALWAYS follow through. So off to church I went, Michelle stayed home to check out a guest. Got through the church service fine, found my prayer partner and we both stood near the front of the church waiting to see if anyone would come up. A lovel...

So we brought mum home yesterday. She is in the loveliest of cardboard boxes while we decide her final resting vessel, they did put the box in an elegant grey wool tote, she would have loved the colour and style of it. We brought her into the grocery store with us (not like we could leave her in the car) and celebrated her homecoming with sushi, I think she would have approved.  We are having an informal gathering down at the beach in a few weeks, she loved that we lived a few minutes drive away and we were there on her birthday last month. Friends are dropping by with cards and food and we are completely blown away. She would be shocked to see all the cards, for someone who was so private - I hope she can see how loved she was. Every day we look for the simple things of beauty, today was noticing a rabbit in my vegetable garden. I've lost most of the seedlings I'd planted but I think I may have saved some sunflowers. The deer guards that my mother had erected have been breache...

It's no secret that our mother was our resident handyman/gardener/Mrs Fix it, she took care of the house. We often called her "Manual Labour" because she mowed the lawn, trimmed the fruit trees, erected fences and was often sawing/hammering bits of wood together to keep the deer away. The rest of the time she was sewing pillows, baking muffins, doing our Airbnb linen laundry, cleaning rooms, making beds and keeping our larder filled. She was happiest puttering outside in her flannel shirt and sweat pants, she'd come in after a few hours with twigs stuck in her hair, various scratches, her crocs all scuffed up and a huge smile on her face. We'd call her in for meals, check if she needed more water and basically let her run wild in the outdoors. My sister and I did not inherit that love of 'sweat equity', we were more than happy to let her putter around while we attended to other bits. In fact when she noticed that the pear tree was filled with tiny fruits w...

Good morning mum, the sun is peeking out but it is still quite cool in the morning. You've left us with 5.5 cans of 'hair curl beer' that is still sitting in the bathroom. You loved using beer as a cream rinse on your hair, you'd sit in the hot sun letting your hair dry and it would curl up perfectly. I tried it the other day, sat in the sun terrified bees would attack but you're right, it sets a nice curl. The garden I planted has withered away from neglect sadly, the sunflowers are very spindly and I hope I can transplant everything in time, but somehow nothing makes sense anymore. But I did get the back lawn mowed last night - it was quite cool/windy so at 8pm I hauled out the mower and went at it. Didn't realize our grass could grow that long, it was brushing my knees in some parts, the neighbour did the front lawn but he couldn't get his sit down mower through our back gate. Even bought a bag of mulch for the front garden, I don't think that peony b...

The days are blurring together, there are 17,000 things to be done, forms to be signed, lawns to be mowed and yet we are still standing. Here's an interesting story for you.  A while back, like 5+ years ago, another vendor at a craft fair and I got into a disagreement. Nothing dramatic, there were hurt feelings because I hadn't communicated something. I honestly don't remember all the details but we stopped talking to each other. A month ago, I felt in my heart that I was to go to up her and ask for forgiveness. I debated with the Lord because, seriously, it wasn't my fault and why should I apologize? I sat with this for a week because I really did not want to open old wounds, lets just leave things as they are shall we?  It wouldn't leave me, it kept niggling and niggling at me. Finally one Saturday, before the market started I walked over to her tent while she was setting up. I was really nervous so I simply said "I am sorry for hurting you all those years ag...

We grew up in Toronto, the neighbourhood was an even mixture of Italians, Portuguese, Greek and Jewish families. In those days it never really mattered, Mr Zucker sold good eggs and that's who we got our eggs from. We didn't observe Shabbat on Friday nights but we knew our friends did and I am sure if we had asked they would have invited us. In fact, one of my first summer jobs was at a Jewish camp where every Friday night the whole camp dressed in white and while we walked into the dining hall we would recite the Shabbat prayer (I still remember it). That summer I immersed myself in the Jewish culture, it was a rather wealthy camp where parents arrived by helicopter on visiting days.  The camp also had its own pastry chef who would put out a spread EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the staff. Cheesecakes, bagels, pastries, bread, it was incredible. For the end of camp musical a New York City Director was flown in to direct the kids in the play. So of course, I learned about Shiva - here...

This is the blog I seriously never thought I'd write. Oh sure, call me naive but I honestly thought my mother would live forever, my sister and I both did.   My vivacious, bright, hilariously funny, brilliant and incredibly healthy mum has passed away, the details don't really matter - what matters is that my sister and I were both with my mum when she breathed her last breath. She was taking a nap on my bed when suddenly after a 911 call there were at least 6 firefighters and paramedics in my bedroom working on her. At this time may I simply say that my bedroom was in a state of complete disaster, cleaning out cupboards, re-arranging clothes - it could not have been messier. Bras were hanging on pegs, my work table was temporarily in my room and it was piled high with receipts, craft projects half done, and a million other bits and pieces. At some point the paramedics needed more room and carefully took everything single thing off the table, piled them into the bathroom and p...